...when they pry it from my cold, dead, still-twitching-for-a-week hand.

I'm getting a little concerned this "coffee" might be habit-forming. The past three days I was increasingly sure I had the flu when I woke up, but felt fine after my third java and positively outstanding after my eighth.
It's almost as if it had some manner of addictive stimulant property...as unlikely as that may be. Clearly someone of such constitution as myself is compelled only by the roasty taste and expediency in keeping the Third World in line.

Yes, I'm a monster, I know. If I thought anyone was reading this I'd unlock the comments and let you have at me.